“Dear Humorist Doling out Advice: Gemini Style”
Advice column by Colleen Markley
Read time: 8 minutes {Rated PG-13 for language}
Dear Humorist Doling Out Advice,
A few years ago, the company where I work went through a restructuring. I was hoping I’d be reorganized to have a particular boss, as we had a great relationship and she was very positive about my career trajectory, but she got the boot, and a different person got the job instead. He’s been lukewarm to me and shifted my department around so that I don’t have the same status I had before. When I approached him about the perceived slight, he told me I was lucky I had a job at all because if the other person had gotten the job, she would have fired me. I was surprised to hear that, as I thought we’d had a great relationship.
The last few years have been difficult, and I’ve been thinking of leaving for a while. Two weeks ago, I found out that the potential termination he described was completely fabricated. My current boss flat-out lied. I’m feeling betrayed and pissed and don’t feel like I can trust him going forward. I’m revising my resume, but what the heck?
~ Annoyed in NYC
Dear Annoyed in NYC,
You’re the second person in two months who has written me from NYC and been annoyed. I think the city might need an energy cleanse. Or maybe it’s just the season—warm weather and astrological influences for new beginnings tend to make people question the status quo. I notice you didn’t formulate an exact question in your letter … but I am happy to respond to your “what the heck” sentiment, and to pose another question about this outrageous behavior.
Why?
Why would a boss lie to an employee? Especially about the employee's status and worth and potential future?
This is certainly no white lie. I am generally a fan of little white lies, but only in places where I’m not trying to forge a relationship. When I’m sitting in a crummy restaurant in an airport and the waiter asks me if I’m enjoying my meal, I might lie. I’m grateful that I found any food on a road trip, and while I think that the chicken is dry and tasteless, I also know it’s gluten-free and will stave off hunger. And I have no intention of ever returning, so I don’t see the point in creating a confrontation. I simplify.
“Thanks for asking—do you have any mayo?”
Mayo can save just about anything. And I don’t need to say, “I need mayo so I can choke this poultry down my own gullet.” I can let it go. A little white lie and some beige condiments.
What you were served was betrayal and falsehood on a platter of skunk cabbage. You were not recognized for your gifts, you were told you were less than, and on top of it all, you were told to be grateful for your poop sandwich because the other person wouldn’t have given you a sandwich at all.
The question is: why?
I’d bet you a chicken sandwich this might have something to do with his own insecurity. I have a feeling this guy wanted you not to feel so great because you must seem threatening. And people who find their own employees threatening are usually the people who aren’t all that great at leading. Real leaders see potential talent and try to find ways to let it shine. Not dim it. Or diminish it.
Nicely Done
I’m glad to hear you are working on your resume. It’s obviously, and sadly, time to leave. I hope that you remember to celebrate all the things you’ve done—and to continue concentrating on that feeling you get when you’re being recognized for the things that make you uniquely you and amazing.
This is when I like to go through my “nice file,” the place I keep all the nice things that people have said to me over the years.
I have paper files of my recommendations that my high school history teacher wrote for me, which to this day amaze me that someone could see my potential even though I was a bit of a screw-up and late bloomer as far as academics.
I have faded yellow note cards that were thank you notes from friends who were full of gratitude for things I did for them that I didn’t think of as all that much at the time but was so touched that they took the time to let me know what it meant to them.
Once we stopped writing things on paper, I created an electronic file. My “nice emails” folder has 225 items in it.
But there’s a trick to that one … as the number itself is a little white lie.
Those emails are not all to me.
While I started my nice file in 2012, I noticed over the next four years that it wasn’t as full as I wanted it to be. My inner critic (who is a total jerk) told me that I am a bottomless pit for affirmation. I can sometimes shush her, and sometimes I need to call in an EMP to blast out the negative thoughts inside my head.
I have another inner self who can help achieve a more peaceful Zen state, sometimes through meditation and Reiki and sometimes through smashing the crap out of things. (Watch the video at the end of this post where, in a moment of therapeutic celebration last year, I smashed crap).
So, what did I do when I was feeling like my nice file was too empty?
I started sending nice emails. To people I cared about. And I kept a copy of those in my file. And the funny thing was that every single one of those emails was replied to, with gratitude, and a whole bunch of nice things about me back.
So, positivity begets positivity.
Weird.
Whatever! Works
As a natural-born (or nurture made?) negative human, I see danger and problems everywhere. Working to constantly reinforce positive thinking and behavior is essential for me. It makes me more pleasant to be around and also makes my inner emotional health and outward physical health more stable.
My sarcastic skeptical side is kind of annoyed by that. How gratitude actually works.
After filling my first gratitude journal (which had a cover that said: Fine, I will be fucking grateful or whatever), small little shifts started to happen. Instead of just trying to drum up five things I was grateful for at the end of the day (which often included “Having enough money so I can go to therapy to deal with all these ridiculous people in my life”), I started to see my negative self as unhelpful.
My inner critic thinks that’s only temporary. She’s right. Which is why she’s so annoyed when I keep working on it.
Every freaking day. Even when the hardest stuff hits.
As I was thinking about my answer to your question, “What the heck?” I went back to look at my nice email file. The irony is that the very first of these missives (that I started sending in 2016) was to someone who no longer speaks to me or wants me as a friend.
That’s a great subject on a whole different topic, one that I’ve been frequently exploring as I lean into the friendships in my life and have been so grateful for the support I get there when I’m feeling like I’ve been handed my own poop sandwiches.
Someone once told me that we have friends “for a reason, a season, or life.” I wish we taught that to kids in school. Like—no, you will not be BFFs. You will most likely be friends in grammar school, have a furious fight sometime in middle school, barely look at each other in high school, and then your new high school besties (who also hate that other person on your behalf) will forget who you are once you graduate and you all go on to college or a vocation or traveling the globe backpacking your way through exotic surf towns.
Bosses, and jobs, are much the same. Not the part about traveling the globe to exotic surf towns (which I find intriguing, even though I don’t surf). I mean friends are like bosses and jobs: “a reason, a season, or life.” Few jobs are for life anymore, except the ones you get for life in imprisonment, and those don’t pay well, and few people look good in orange, so best to avoid that track.
Lesson Up
If your boss has made you feel like crap, let that go. That tells you more about him than it tells you about you. And if you need a lift, ask a friend to remind you what’s awesome about you.
I wish we could all normalize the idea of sending a note that says, “Hey, I’m feeling crappy, and I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re awesome, and here’s something I love about you.” The good friends will email you back with something awesome about you.
When we are making transitions in life, we need this affirmation even more. We’re not bottomless pits. We’re humans.
Some interactions in the world deplete our emotional tanks. Some things add to our emotional banks and fill us up with gratitude for the people who see the best in us. And I bet one of the reasons you got along with the other potential boss who wound up not getting the gig was because she did that for you—reminded you what you did well and appreciated you for that and didn’t make you feel grateful for the honor of working a job. The paycheck, benefits, and health insurance are what we get in return for work. The rest is up to the relationships we have with those people.
One of my favorite Instagrammers recently posted …
“The energy for Gemini season is the continual process of learning and unlearning.” ~Spirit Daughter
So, what lesson has your boss taught you? What lesson do you want to share with him?
Maybe wait until you’ve got that new job contract signed, and when you give your notice and your exit interview, you can let him know, “Hey, thank you for the lesson here. I learned to trust my gut. I knew I didn’t want to work for you and now I know to follow my instincts, my passion, and the people who appreciate what I offer the world.”
And then maybe leave that guy a nice sandwich. And walk out the door for your next adventure.
Bon chance and bon voyage!
~ Humorist Doling Out Advice
Colleen, embracing the “rage and relax” theme of her self-care party.
Let’s laugh through life together…
The signs of the zodiac are not just about the people born into that astrological moment. Life is an easier path when we see the positive vibes from others and adopt them as our own.
Next month I will answer the question, “What would a Cancer do?” Ask me anything. Don’t worry about the zodiac part. I’m here. I’m listening. I have some ideas to share. And support to lend. After all, we’re in this crazy thing called life together. Onward!
Send your questions, curiosities, and hardest life problems directly to me at Colleen@ColleenMarkley.com. Also, call your therapist. Maybe you should get a second opinion.
Don't have a question right now but do have a comment, insight, or general epiphany?
Awesome!
Please share your thoughts using the comment box at the end of this post. I love hearing from (nearly) everyone … especially those who think nobody’s listening.
~ Colleen
Want more?
Read more from Colleen about the often confusing and difficult to understand behavior of her lovable Bernese Mountain Dog in the 2022 Dharma Direction Humor essay: “My Giant Gemini - Nicky”
Colleen Markley is a novelist, freelance writer, and memoir instructor living in the New York City area. Colleen’s essays and humor have appeared in multiple anthologies in print and various magazines online. She was awarded the Nickie’s Prize for humor for her essay “Unflappably Calm, Occasionally Furious, Ready and Willing to Hide the Bodies,” published in Sisters! Bonded by Love and Laughter.
Named the June 2021 winner of the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Humor Writer of the Month, Colleen attempts to be funny every month as a regular contributor riffing on the zodiac for Dharma Direction. Her novel-in-progress, LILITH LAND, is a story about the end of the world where only the women survive. (It’s a novel, not an action plan.)
Find her at www.ColleenMarkley.com or sign up here for her newsletter and updates.
Visit Colleen on Instagram or Facebook. Or check out her reviews and what she’s reading on Goodreads.
The Reading Dingy … Sharing Stories
The Dharma Direction tribe is all about sharing good vibes and part of the way in which we do that is through our book lists—the ones we’re reading now, others we’ll always love, and of course … the TBR pile that, like rain in the spring, can rise quickly.
We’ve also started including at least one children's book for the wee ones. Check out our books here, and then read all about them on the Dharma Direction Goodreads page.
Coming Next Week … GEMINI: Fantasy Romance Edition
Short fiction by LJ Longo, along with Scenes for the Senses: a 5-minute video escape into the process of painting the original art for our Gemini Fantasy Romance feature.
BFFs and other Grammar Exceptions
Not Best Friend Forevers … as BFFs would imply.
Not BFsF … which would be a more accurate acronym for: Best Friends Forever.
More accurately, BFFs is a type of initialism similar to FBI, CIA, or IBM.
A true acronym—while still stringing together the initials of each first word—actually creates a word in itself. Like NASA. When referring to the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, we don’t say N.A.S.A. individually, we pronounce it ‘nah-suh.’
Knowing that BFFs is exactly the way everybody uses this term of endearment, I have to let my eyes glaze over a bit (like when I’m meditating during yoga) whenever I see it in a sentence. This keeps my inner narrator and inner editor from getting into a worn-out discussion about the days when acronyms were mainly relegated to corporations and civil service agencies.
I’m reminded of when banks first introduced Automatic Teller Machines, and everyone called them ATM machines. Then along came the cards to access your money and the code you’d need to do so: a Personal Identification Number that every customer referred to as a PIN number. How badly I wanted to correct their redundancy … but I was a branch manager, not an editor. Nobody was going to appreciate my OCD (or desire to change careers), so I let most of those mistakes slide.
I’m free now to let my obsessive inner editor do things like search the internet for clarification on matters such as acronyms and initialisms. You’ll find it interesting (I’m betting) that according to Grammarly, BFF is a noun … and not a proper one … meaning it should be all lower case: bff.
Bff when it’s the first word in a sentence. Both of which makes me think of someone emitting a dismissive puff of air as they scoff at something I’ve said. Sorry Grammarly, I can’t abide by calling my besties bffs.
However, by the argument that bff is a noun—the proper way to pluralize it would be to add an s to the end. I can get behind that logic, but I prefer BFFs. Maybe you’ll even share this edition with yours.
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Until next time … #gowiththeflow
~ Debbie Abbott, publisher/editor