ARIES: Humor Edition
Rooting for the Girlcode Rules
“Dear Humorist Doling out Advice: Aries Style”
Advice column by Colleen Markley
Read time: 9 minutes
Dear Humorist Doling Out Advice,
Recently, someone I had considered a close friend stood me up for dinner. I texted her from the restaurant, and she kept telling me she was on her way, but then later she admitted she hadn’t actually left the house. I’d been sitting at the bar waiting for an hour by the time she texted me that she “wasn’t up to coming out,” even though I had confirmed before I left and driven an hour to meet her.
I know she’s going through some stuff, but she always seems to be going through something. She’s constantly miserable about her life circumstances, and while I want to help her and be a good friend, I also have been feeling really annoyed that she isn’t showing up for me—I, too, have stuff in life that I’d like to talk about. I can tolerate a rough patch, but this has been years of repeating perceived crises on her end, and this relationship is feeling very one-sided. Am I asking too much of a friend when she’s in need, and I am feeling needy?
Sincerely,
I Want to be a Good Friend but Holy Cow I’m One Pissed-Off Woman
Georgia, USA
Dear Pissed-Off in Georgia,
That’s not a friend. That’s neglect and avoidance. I’m sorry you got stood up. And lied to. Those are more the qualities of an ex. If you replaced all those statements with “and then he”—everyone on the planet would tell you to drop that guy. But when a woman does it, we make excuses for our female friends. Why? Because there’s a girl code. And girl code says you stay with each other through thick and thin; that’s what friends do.
I’m not a therapist, and I don’t even play one on TV, but during my 10,000 hours as a willing (yes, sometimes exasperated) therapy participant, I’ve learned a couple of things. Like, how I’m extremely demanding and have really high expectations of the people in my life. Okay. Know what that gets me?
Extremely fulfilling relationships with authenticity and deep connection.
I could call on my friends and say, “Bring a shovel and a blanket and meet me in an hour,” and they would show up. They might have questions and try to convince me I have other options available, but that’s also why I’d reach out to them.
I call people when I need help, even if it means I need assistance in saving myself from my own overwhelming emotions and potentially poor choices.
As for your friend? And her stuff? She might’ve been a good friend, once. She might have had the makings of a great friend, but she fizzled out. She might be a good friend one day, but she isn’t now.
Your (not a good) friend didn’t offer common decency. I try to plan ahead for all of my meltdowns.
If she didn’t want to go out, she could’ve been honest and told you that before you got in the car and drove for an hour.
Or she could have used some of the well-known “not real but somehow acceptable anyway” lines.
There’s the standard three days ahead of time: “Hey, I have a work thing that I can’t get out of.”
The two days ahead of time: “Hey, I think I’m coming down with something.”
And the day of: “Oh boy, I have food poisoning.”
If it comes down to mere hours before, we are left with fewer fake options: A car breakdown (which could get sketchy if your friend offers to come to help you on the side of the road and you are on your favorite side of the bed).
Other than sudden-onset amnesia (which, in addition to quicksand, I was convinced was a legitimate concern as a kid), I don’t know a lot of excuses that would work for me.
But here’s the thing. I understand the feeling. I know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed by the world and not have energy for the people and things I love. I get that. What I don’t get is when a friend is rude. Especially when it’s a repeating pattern. Then it’s not a rough patch. Then it’s a pattern.
And patterns tell us a lot about people. Especially plaid, paisley, and polka dots. Individually we can appreciate each pattern. But when all the patterns are happening at the same time, we might start to question some of those choices.
If you read my recent Aquarius piece, you know my personal goal this year: nurture and treasure my friendships with my girlfriends. That’s where I want to spend my energy. And I know for sure what I’m hoping to get back. It certainly doesn’t include sitting in a bar by myself and getting stood up by someone who claims to care about me. Especially after I make the effort to put on nice pants.
Shifting Planets and Minds
There are some huge planetary shifts this Aries season (March 21 – April 19). Like, the kind of stuff that astrologers make a big deal of, especially the ones who know what they are talking about.
Two new moons (March 21 and April 19) bookend Aries this year.
Six planetary shifts are happening.
Pluto is entering Aquarius for some sort of transformation not seen in the stars since the French Revolution (or something mind-bogglingly awesome like that).
Do I know what it means when Mars leaves Gemini for the first time in seven months? No.
But I do know what it feels like when a friend leaves you hanging and feeling neglected. I’ve felt that several times in my life, and I have never liked it. I’ve also wondered if it was me. Why would someone not show up for me when I always put so much effort into showing up for them? What am I saying that is turning people off? Am I doing something wrong, or is it just them?
Is this where I find out I’m actually an alien or a superhero and I have super energy where I am more in tune with feelings and emotions?
That would explain a lot.
My therapist tells me I may have been repelling people with my boundaries without knowing I had boundaries. I suppose I consider them rules for being my friend.
If you need me, I will be there for you. I do like a little bit of notice on things. Like, tell me if we’re going to be outside digging a six-foot hole so I wear the right shoes. And layers. That shoveling stuff probably gets sweaty, but I don’t like being cold, so I’m going to want to start off wearing my cozy hoodie. It’s washable for mud and sweat and DNA evidence.
The hard part is when our effort is not reciprocated … because it feels like disrespect. If we reach out or call or go looking for a friend, and they don’t respond, that is lonely and isolating. What is the point of a friend who makes us feel like that? We are all on enough social media platforms with “friends” and followers who might be willing to ignore us or troll us. So, if we notice in real life that our calls are going to voicemail after one ring because someone side-buttons us and then doesn’t call us back?
This is where our choices come in. How do we respond?
I can easily become a middle schooler and pout. Maybe that’s my superpower.
But that’s like having a superpower of freeze breath when you already live in Antarctica. Not. Useful.
So, what would an Aries do?
I’m not an Aries, but I love channeling some of their best qualities. I can get mired down in my Cancer crabbiness, where I get moody and broody and emotional. Aries are uncomplicated and don’t like getting bogged down by nonsense or circumventing issues. I admire that.
I choose to be direct. I’m going to ask what the problem is. I am not going to accept avoidance. Tackle it now, in the moment. Life is short, I want good people along for the ride. Correction. I want great people along for the ride. Not a Thelma and Louise kind of ride. Just wherever this snowy unpaved road full of muddy potholes next to this icy cliff ride is going to bring me tomorrow.
And if someone isn’t up to the expectation I have for friendship? Their actions will show me. And I will pay attention.
The hard part?
Remembering their actions are on them. Not me.
I don’t know when we women started feeling guilty for wanting more. It feels like we should be allowed to want more from each other just as much as we want more from the patriarchy and the planet overall.
We should want more from this world because we all have such beauty and depth to share.
I love my girlfriends. I dedicated the entire year of 2023 to strengthening my friendships. Maybe it’s because my kids are leaving the nest. Or maybe I’m going to let the kids keep this nest and I’ll find a new one. That’s how sloths parent. The mom sloth hangs onto that baby sloth until she’s just done and then she up and leaves the tree, leaving the baby sloth behind. Sloth mom finds a new tree to live in. I think the pace of a sloth parent feels relevant to me right now. But I know my girlfriends are sitting in their trees cheering me on as I slow-motion crawl hand-over-hand from branch to branch into the next phase of my life.
They are rooting for me. And I am rooting for them. That’s the girl code.
So, Pissed off in Georgia, I’m sorry about the loss of your friend. But I’m really freaking proud of you for listening to yourself when you feel like something isn’t right. We don’t have time for crummy friendships.
Know your hopes and rules for friendships. Let your friends know what you need. Treasure the ones who show up.
And the ones who leave you alone in a bar? They already left.
The friend who isn’t showing up for you?
It’s not you. It’s her.
Let it be.
And the next round is on me.
Humorist Doling Out Advice
Let’s laugh through life together…
The signs of the zodiac are not just about the people born into that astrological moment. Life is an easier path when we see the positive vibes from others and adopt them as our own.
Next month I will answer the question, “What would a Taurus do?” Ask me anything. Don’t worry about the zodiac part. I’m here. I’m listening. I have some ideas to share. And support to lend. After all, we’re in this crazy thing called life together. Onward!
Send your questions, curiosities, and hardest life problems directly to me at Colleen@ColleenMarkley.com. Also, call your therapist. Maybe you should get a second opinion.
Don't have a question right now but do have a comment, insight, or general epiphany?
Awesome!
Please share your thoughts using the comment box at the end of this post. I love hearing from all but one of my readers. (He knows who he is). Just good vibes and authenticity.
~ Colleen
Want more?
Read more from Colleen about how a real friendship comes and goes and comes back again in her 2022 Dharma Direction Humor essay: “Appearing & Disappearing Aries: Just Jolie.”
Colleen Markley is a novelist, freelance writer, and memoir instructor living in the New York City area. Colleen’s essays and humor have appeared in multiple anthologies in print and various magazines online. She was awarded the Nickie’s Prize for humor for her essay “Unflappably Calm, Occasionally Furious, Ready and Willing to Hide the Bodies,” published in Sisters! Bonded by Love and Laughter.
Named the June 2021 winner of the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Humor Writer of the Month, Colleen attempts to be funny every month as a regular contributor riffing on the zodiac for Dharma Direction. Her novel-in-progress, LILITH LAND, is a story about the end of the world where only the women survive. (It’s a novel, not an action plan.)
Find her at www.ColleenMarkley.com or sign up here for her newsletter and updates.
Visit Colleen on Instagram or Facebook. Or check out her reviews and what she’s reading on Goodreads.
The Reading Dingy … Get Lost in Books
The Dharma Direction tribe is all about sharing good vibes and part of the way in which we do that is through our book lists—the ones we’re reading now, others we’ll always love, and of course … the TBR pile that, like rain in the spring, can rise quickly.
We’ve also started including at least one children's book for the wee ones (two this time, because they’re both so good!)
Check out our books here, and then read all about them on the Dharma Direction Goodreads page.
Coming Friday, 3/24 … ARIES: The Culinary Edition
“Tomato Manchego Melt: Elevate Your Eggs” by Chef & Wellness Coach Candy Lesher
Arise like Aries …
Life can often rise up in our paths, as if Mother Earth suddenly decides we need another mountain to climb. Looking up at the craggy cliffs, we can’t believe it’s even possible to ascend such an obstacle. Yet, there go the Rams. Springing on their hooves—with no opposable thumbs to steady themselves—from one pinnacle to another.
Full of determination, an Aries won’t waste any time thinking about how difficult the climb is going to be. All of their energy is focused on the goal, with brief moments of reflection to look back down and survey their accomplishments.
The fear of falling … or trying not to fail … isn’t what drives an Aries. The thrill of success is their source of motivation. No matter what path we take—the easy road, or the one less traveled—let’s all strive to arise like Aries.
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Until next time … #GowiththeFlow
~ Debbie Abbott, publisher/editor