LIBRA: Humor Edition
Leaning In vs. Laying Back
“Dear Humorist Doling out Advice: Libra Style”
Advice column by Colleen Markley
Read time: 7 minutes
Some topics are worthy of more real estate … This month, we explore a previous question, with more answers. This is Part II; if you missed Part I, read it in our Virgo edition here.
Dear Humorist Doling Out Advice,
After ten years of being the stay-at-home primary caregiver for our kids, I recently went back to work. A full-time job opportunity came out of the blue and we didn’t have time to plan for new systems.
To be honest, I was also in charge of our house and the vast majority of our life stuff. Now I find myself struggling to figure it all out. My husband is helpful, the kids are helpful (ish), but it doesn’t seem to be working well. I’m still doing so much and have this sinking feeling I’m failing my family.
I also feel like I’m not leaning in enough at work to impress my new boss and work colleagues. How on earth do women balance all of this?
~ From a Cancer Crab(by) Mom, Boston, MA
Dear Cancer Crab(by) Mom,
Hi, me again.
I hope since last month you’ve had a moment to breathe, and in that moment you did nothing. I hope in that extra moment of time you did not …
empty a dishwasher
flip a load of laundry
or check to see if you were out of your favorite shampoo that promises to add body and bounce and the confidence we need to disassemble the patriarchy.
I have high hopes.
I especially hope that my family understands that this is just how I operate now. Forever. Whether anyone loves it or not, I’m always going to be like this. Because I like not being stressed out about so many things.
It’s not just when we are going back to work. It’s when we finally retire too. Our time is ours. How we spend it is our choice.
I wrote a piece about this a while back, which found its original publication home in a little literary journal called Goldfinch Literary Magazine. I thought I’d share it here, as it sort of sums up a lot of my feelings on this never-ending to-do list that keeps me away from the thing I actually feel called to do in the world—which is to WRITE.
There might be something meta about me writing about the things that keep me from writing.
Maybe the world will pay attention if we aren’t doing such a great job keeping up with these unsustainable expectations for things that don’t really matter at the end of the day, the end of the decade, the end of this life journey we are all on.
Or maybe I’m just adopting a new method of avoidance. I’ll let you know how that goes. In the meantime, for your reading pleasure …
Dear Children, Life is not Instagram
To: My Dearest Children
From: Mom
Re: Reminder of what real life looks like
I saw you giving each other side-eye over lunch on Saturday, and I know it wasn’t about my chicken pot pie (I don’t think Aunt Emily’s recipe needs kale or flaxseed, thank you very much). You were not subtle while you examined the sweetener packets I use to keep the table from rocking, which have been working fine for the last decade (with or without your judgement).
Here’s a list of other house repairs I’m never going to fix. Please file this so when you’re discussing my increasing old age and wondering if I should move into assisted living, you will remember that I’m not senile or incompetent, just quirky. I noticed you lurking and peering around the house after the zucchini brownies (I didn’t think much of them either), and my mom-telepathy knew you were wondering how Dad and I live like this. I like living like this, and Dad doesn’t notice anything anyway. Also, I don’t have time for this house repair stuff as I’m very busy having my midlife crisis.
Please just ignore the following:
The toilet lid in the powder room is cracked. If it were the seat, I’d (probably) fix it so my old, wrinkled tush doesn’t get pinched. But it’s the lid. I don’t know what you’re doing in my powder room but you really shouldn’t be putting your bare keister there. Pull up your pants, wash your hands, and go home.
The faucet is now two-toned and mottled looking. Yes, the faucet in the same powder room. Why we have this thing called “hard water” I don’t scientifically understand, but I tried the trick I read online and attached a plastic bag full of vinegar to remove the gunk. I left it overnight, but it didn’t work, and the calcified green stuff is still on the faucet. It did, however, remove the finish off the faucet, so now it looks tie-dyed, or melting, instead of burnished bronze or whatever fancy finish it used to be. I didn’t realize that vinegar trick only works on stainless steel or nickel. Now you know and you can save yourself from making the same mistake I did. You’re welcome.
The outside lightbulb went dark when you were in kindergarten. It’s too tall to reach even with the highest ladder, and what do I need to see outside, anyway? I replaced the one I could reach and it’s one of those new environmental ones that take an hour to warm up. It’s not very helpful when I hear a noise outside and flip the switch and need to wait while the lightbulb decides if it is up to the task of being bright to see if there’s a raccoon in the trash or a murderer. If I need to see something I’ll just get my flashlight, which can double as a weapon to defend against intruders.
The ceiling in the utility room is broken. I hate that room. It’s scary and reminds me of Freddy Krueger. The plumber spends more time there than I do, and he doesn’t care that he can see the insulation poking out of the ceiling. Honestly if we needed to take it down once to check the plumbing then we'll probably need to do that again so let’s just save a step. Really this is about efficiency, not optics.
Photo by Unseen Histories on Unsplash The garage floor is ugly. I’m not sure when it became fashionable to have a pretty garage floor. My grandfather parked his Cadillac in his garage and scooted and shimmied over his bench seat from the driver side to the passenger side so he could get out of the car and into the door to the house. The garage wasn’t big enough for him to open his driver door and open the house door (which was on the passenger side). He didn’t complain about that—or the cracked and crumbling concrete under his Caddy. I tried that fancy epoxy paint on our garage floor, once. It lasted until the first snowstorm when I rolled my road-salty tires over that fancy paint and the salt ate the fancy right off. Those marks are now like runway targets for my tires. They are helpful—pretty paint on a garage floor is not.
So children, stop being judgy. Find friends who don’t judge you either (and go visit them). The house’s job is to keep me safe from the weather and make me feel cozy when I sit and read a book. Or share a glass with my friends. You might be embarrassed that I’m not fixing every little thing around here; the privilege of my midlife crisis is that I have learned not to care. I only invite friends over that I like, anyway. After all, real friends don’t mind showing their cracks and bruises.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Don’t forget to bring back my Tupperware from the leftover pot pie. I gave you the nice ones that aren’t stained or cracked. XOXO
~ Humorist Doling Out Advice
Let’s laugh through life together…
The signs of the zodiac are not just about the people born into that astrological moment. Life is an easier path when we see the positive vibes from others and adopt them as our own.
Next month I’ll explore life from the Scorpion’s view in “What would a Scorpio do?”
Send your questions, curiosities, and hardest life problems directly to me at Colleen@ColleenMarkley.com. Also, call your therapist. Maybe you should get a second opinion.
Don't have a question right now but do have a comment, insight, or general epiphany?
Awesome!
Please share your thoughts using the comment box at the end of this post. I love hearing from (nearly) everyone. That includes you :-)
~ Colleen
Want more?
Read more from Colleen about her link to Libra in the essay: “Making & Breaking My Way Through Life” from the 2022 Dharma Direction Humor column.
Colleen Markley is a novelist, freelance writer, and memoir instructor living in the New York City area. Colleen’s essays and humor have appeared in multiple anthologies in print and various magazines online. She was awarded the Nickie’s Prize for humor for her essay “Unflappably Calm, Occasionally Furious, Ready and Willing to Hide the Bodies,” published in Sisters! Bonded by Love and Laughter.
Named the June 2021 winner of the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Humor Writer of the Month, Colleen attempts to be funny every month as a regular contributor riffing on the zodiac for Dharma Direction. Her novel-in-progress, LILITH LAND, is a story about the end of the world where only the women survive. (It’s a novel, not an action plan.)
Find her at www.ColleenMarkley.com or sign up here for her newsletter and updates.
Visit Colleen on Instagram or Facebook. Or check out her reviews and what she’s reading on Goodreads.
The Reading Dingy … Word on the Street
Hitting the Big Time …
The Dharma Direction tribe is all about sharing good vibes and part of the way in which we do that is through our book lists—and this month’s is the first of its kind for us. We’re featuring books and novels that have all been recently adapted for the screen.
Check out our selections here on Goodreads then look for them on TV and in theaters.
Coming Next Week … LIBRA: Culinary Edition
Chef and Wellness Coach Candy Lesher brings another one of her ridiculously healthy recipes, always packing lots of balance between good and good for you!
Publisher’s Note ~
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Until next time … #gowiththeflow
~ Debbie Abbott, publisher/editor