SAGITTARIUS: Humor Edition
Ho-ho-holding space for humor in the holidays.
“Dear Humorist Doling out Advice: Sagittarius Style”
Advice column by Colleen Markley
Read time: 7 minutes
Dear Humorist Doling Out Advice,
I’m a burnt-out mom trying to make Christmas for my family. I don’t do a great job of keeping cheery when I’m overwhelmed doing so many things for other people.
How do I keep my spirits bright when I’m feeling bah humbug?
Signed,
Crabby at Christmas
Dear Crabby at Christmas ~
I’ve wondered about this for years. Especially when my children were small, and I was so busy making magic for them that I forgot how magical I actually was. Rather than focusing on my superpowers, I tended to think about all the things I wasn’t doing, that I should be doing, or could be doing better.
That never-good-enough feeling … is trash.
Society put that ridiculous expectation of perfect motherhood together and I did a great job perpetuating it for a long time. I felt like I wasn’t doing it right. And that felt crappy. I kept looking for better ways. Know how the universe puts things in front of you when you ask? Everywhere I turned, I kept reading about how the key to being happy is to be grateful.
You know, the entire opposite of my naturally negative, cranky, and salty AF attitude.
Fine, I thought. I don’t like this overwhelmed angry version of me. Let’s try this stinking gratitude thing and see what happens.
For a year and a half, I tried gratitude journaling. I also continued my regular rage journaling. Most nights, I’d sit in my bedroom, snuggled up under a blanket, and I’d write five things I was grateful for. And then I’d sit and rage about all the shit that I was annoyed by.
Hmm, I thought, this might not be the point.
So I flipped it. I rage journaled first, got all that out of my spinning brain full of catastrophes and disasters. Then I picked up my separate journal – the cover proclaiming “Fine, I will be fucking grateful, or whatever.” And I’d journal about the things I was grateful for after I’d raged.
That felt a little better.
Somewhere after I filled the first salty gratitude journal and was midway through the second, I started incorporating gratitude into the rage. Rage it out, then reframe. In the moment. In the beginning, these were not the most impressive findings of gratitude. Some days I’d write, “I’m grateful for health insurance and money for deductibles for therapy so I can talk to someone about all this shit and the people in my life who need to go to therapy who aren’t going to therapy so here I am at therapy learning to manage their untherapized nonsense.”
That’s not entirely full of compassion. But it was a start.
Gratitude was a hard habit to learn.
And re-learn.
I recently found one of my old journals from the year after I graduated college—and had more debt than assets—and somehow, my 22-year-old self did a decent job of finding gratitude. Including “having friends to complain to about how difficult it is to find a job in my field with health insurance.” Nearly three decades later I’m still grateful for my friends and health insurance. But have I mastered gratitude? No. Am I grateful that I keep trying? Yes. See how that works?
So how do we keep that up during the holidaze, the time of year that reminds me of the expansiveness of my emotions. One moment I’m watching the Muppets with my high school senior for a bit of nostalgic Christmas cheer, but by the time the show ends and the 1987 news breaks over the credits, I am reminded of the origins of why we Gen Xers have anxiety.
Take a listen to this clip I filmed (below) … Or catch the whole Muppet crossover singalong here. The time it takes to travel from Christmas Carols and songs like “What Child is This?” to OMG What Horror is This? takes only seconds. And I’m just along for the wild sleigh ride of chaos.
So, dear Crabby at Christmas, I hear you.
And for my last advice column of 2023, I offer you this: Stop trying to be cheery.
Do what you need to, and then find a little gratitude, or a little salt, where you can. We’re not perfect. We’re doing our best. And sometimes, our best is not the society Hallmark flannel crappy movie picture of perfect momhood. It’s instead the picture of reality. And maybe that is what we need to model for our kids more than anything. This is hard. I’m not making it look easy. But I can find a little humor.
The best part of the holidaze is having someone else to turn to when we see the crap and chaos.
I leave you with some of my earliest exhausted attempts at gratitude, circa 2016, that I went and dug up to share with you. Back then, I didn’t call it gratitude; I called it kvetching. I might do this different now. I enjoy being a lifelong learner.
A Season of Gratitude
(Or, Twelve Days of Christmas Kvetching)
Day 1. I’m not made for gratitude. I’m made for kvetching.
Some people are amazing and do 30 days of gratitude. I think I'm more suited to the 12 days of Christmas Kvetching.
Christmas Kvetching Gratitude Day 2: Thank you, children, for waking up in the worst foul moods ever, yelling at me about going to school, brushing your teeth, and reminding me why I only created two of you. I love when you stay up too late finishing homework you should have done earlier in the day instead of playing game apps on the toilet, and then I can buy you gifts for a holiday I’m ready to cancel on your sorry asses. I’ve come to the realization that Santa and Mrs. Claus liked children so much because they never had any. Currently contemplating moving to the North Pole. Alone.
Christmas Kvetching Gratitude Day 3: Thank you, children, for leaving your advent calendar candy wrappers all over the house. I am so thankful to be reminded of how nice I am to give you special candy every day and have the trash linger, and stare at me, and taunt me to clean up after you at this special time of year.
Christmas Kvetching Gratitude Day 4: Thank you, dogs, for reminding me how much I love that Elle King song “Ex’s and Oh’s,” while I am creating the chart of your medications for the next seven days. Thank you, too, for getting your sicknesses all together and out of the way the weeks before Christmas so I can schedule this into my life so easily. Anaplasmosis, white blood cell and anemia issues, cornea scratch, and sclera irritation and double ear infections are just the thing for Christmas cheer.
Woof woof. Fa la la la la.
Christmas Kvetching Gratitude Day 5: Thank you, one-sided Christmas tree decorations, for reminding me of my OCD as I keep turning and twisting your ribbons and hanging elements to try with all my strength and power to make you all face somewhere other than the center of the Christmas tree.
Christmas Kvetching Gratitude Day 6: Thank you, family, for letting the dishes use the sink as a pit stop to rest before making their final journey into the dishwasher, two inches away. It would be much too exhausting for the dishes to make the trip at one time, and I admire how you give the plates time to “cure” the old food into prisms of crusty hieroglyphics. I have nothing else to do during December, so I am grateful to spend my time cleaning up after you.
Christmas Kvetching Gratitude Day 7: Thank you, old body of mine, for giving me ample opportunities to take stock of all that is falling apart as I prepare my personal maintenance for holiday get-togethers.
Christmas Kvetching Gratitude Day 8: Thank you, real live/dead Christmas tree, for keeping me humble by helping me question my ability to do something as simple as pouring water without making a damn flood all over the floor. Also, that fear you instill about burning my house down is fabulously festive. Thank you, oh Tannenbaum. Thank you.
Christmas Kvetching Gratitude Day 9: Thank you, wrapping paper, for keeping me so optimistic each year that I keep every little scrap of you, hoping that somehow, someday, someone will be able to use your tiny offspring to wrap wonderful tiny mouse-sized presents.
Christmas Kvetching Gratitude Day 10: Thank you, flat surfaces, for giving me the great idea that I should just quit what I’m doing, lie down, and take a nap. Fa la la la zzzzz …
Christmas Kvetching Gratitude Day 11: Thank you, dairy products with expirations, for showing me that if YOU can make it to January without turning into a curdled sour mess, maybe I too can make it through the holidays.
And on the 12th Day of Christmas Kvetching, my true love said to me: Aren’t you done complaining yet? Oh yes. I am done. So done. Thank you all. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanza. Blessed Yule. Fa la la la la. Until next year …
~ Colleen
Want more?
Read more from Colleen in “The Holidaze Party Personas - Sagittarius Style” featured in the 2022 Sagittarius edition of Dharma Direction. Or check out the audio version, with Colleen reading her work in our 2nd Bonus Edition.
Colleen Markley is a novelist, freelance writer, and memoir instructor living in the New York City area. Colleen’s essays and humor have appeared in multiple anthologies in print and various magazines online. She was awarded the Nickie’s Prize for humor for her essay “Unflappably Calm, Occasionally Furious, Ready and Willing to Hide the Bodies,” published in Sisters! Bonded by Love and Laughter.
Named the June 2021 winner of the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Humor Writer of the Month, Colleen attempts to be funny every month as a regular contributor riffing on the zodiac for Dharma Direction. Her novel-in-progress, LILITH LAND, is a story about the end of the world where only the women survive. (It’s a novel, not an action plan.)
Find her at www.ColleenMarkley.com or sign up here for her newsletter and updates.
Visit Colleen on Instagram or Facebook. Or check out her reviews and what she’s reading on Goodreads.
The Reading Dingy … Wrapping up the Goods
Give the Gift of Imagination
The Dharma Direction tribe is all about sharing good vibes and part of the way we do that is through our book lists—ones we’ve read, want to read, or need to read.
We encourage everyone to support their local bookstores during the holidays. In addition to best sellers and vintage selections, independent shops are always packed with unique book-themed gifts for everyone on your list … naughty or nice.
Check out these selections from the 2023 Goodreads Choice Awards. Then visit Dharma Direction’s Goodreads page to see what we’re loving.
Coming Next Week … SAGITTARIUS: Angel Edition
Regular readers may have noticed that (like last month) we’re publishing out of order, with the Humor Edition kicking off Sagittarius season. What better way to handle the craze of the holidays than with some laughter?!
Flying in on a wing and a prayer next week, Debbie’s Angel Edition will tap into the ethereal energy of the Centaur’s zodiac through Advachiel: Angel of Truth, Wisdom, and Power.
Publisher’s Note ~
Staring down the “Year of the Dragon” brings excitement for me and opportunity for everyone on the planet. I remember 12 years ago very well, celebrating my good fortune of being born during the dragon’s reign (back in the 1900s, LOL!). Grateful just to be alive in 2012, I was into my second year of being tumor free.
In 2010, I’d had surgery to remove a growing brain tumor … a Stage II Meningioma. By the time the Chinese New Year arrived in 2012, I felt the energy of the dragon in a new and more powerful way.
The fire-breathing forces of what is considered the most powerful animal in the 12-year rotation of the Chinese zodiac fueled my soul’s desire to become a novelist and focused my own dharma direction toward the angels … the bringers of Light.
Next year’s Wood Dragon festivities begin on Saturday, February 10, 2024—the traditional Chinese lunisolar calendar date (which changes every year). Bringing evolution and abundance, the entire year is set up for long-term success. Improvements and rejuvenated beginnings offer prosperity and good fortune.
Taking advantage of this cosmic energy, Dharma Direction is shifting focus, ever so slightly … diving deeper into the seasonal phases of earth and sky, with an emphasis on connecting with Mother Earth.
In March 2024, Dharma Direction will move to a quarterly format of curated editions featuring a rotating array of new content including …
Video interviews (As of yet, unnamed; dare we call them a podcast?) featuring ~
“Good-Vibes” healing through fine arts, music, and movement
“Good-Humans” highlights from the zeitgeist
#AmReading … audio entertainment
New articles/essays/stories written and recorded by our award-winning tribe of writers for your listening pleasure
The Green Door
Backstory blurbs about previously published, or forthcoming pieces from Dharma Direction’s contributors
Reading Dingy
Our favorite book recommendations for each season
Muse-Sick video playlist
Because going with the flow is easier when you’re getting your groove on
REMINDER: There will always be free content on Dharma Direction. Supporting the publication through paid contributions will be an option beginning in 2024.
For now, we thank you for your support whether it comes in the form of simply stopping by to read with us, or as a free subscriber … we are grateful for you all.
Until next time … #gowiththeflow
~ Debbie Abbott, publisher/editor